What To Do When You're a Social Misfit (like me)

Have you ever felt like you didn't belong in the society you live in? Like you're way too awesome for normal stuff? Have you got the maturity of a 5-year-old? Do you prefer Smosh to your boyfriend/girlfriend's relentless chatter? Do you like Nutella a bit too much? Do you write with your left hand? Do you pee too much?

If any of your answers is yes, then it means you are an effing weirdo. Yes, EVEN if you are only a leftie. You are supposed to use your right hand, OKAY? Otherwise, it is simply not acceptable! God, some people just refuse to understand. Oh and you're gay? Might as well make a hut in the woods and settle down.

Right. If you're going to be a nutcase, might as well be bold about it. Haven't you heard of 'crazy is the new cool'? What's that? You're single? STILL? Just get some frozen yoghurt and your copy of Bridgette Jones (the first part, not the third, which sucked..), curl up in your bed, and NEVER come out again.

Society loves its rules. Loves its order. Adores its 'normalcy'. And if you're even slightly different, people might just try and stamp it out of you. It doesn't matter if you've got a body full of tattoos or piercings, or a head full of blue hair, or if you like Keeping Up with the Kardashians too much, all we have to be is a good human being. A being without fear, without hate, without judgement, with strength and belief. That is not very difficult, is it?

More next time, you lovely muffins. 

Like wild gorillas?

Admittedly, I was less-than-impressed by Bruno Mars’ new video featuring his single, ‘Gorilla’ from his album ‘Unorthodox Jukebox’. The strip club setting, the spectacle of young men gleefully showering a half-naked stoned-looking Frieda Pinto with dollar bills did not really appeal to the feminist, morally correct side of me. I was left feeling disappointed that an artist like Bruno Mars should project women in such a manner so derogatory; surely he ought to have known better than to encourage the notion of treating women like objects for sex? I had worshipped him, such a ‘Directioner’ might worship a certain curly haired, dimpled Harry Styles (oh alright, alright, he’s cute. Very much so. Okay, a LOT.), and now I was left feeling wounded and sad, like he’d done be a personal disfavor, and I contemplated posting a harsh comment about it on his Facebook page (like he’d ever read it.), acting all snooty and pretending that I wasn’t at all insanely in lust with him.

But then, curiosity overcame me and I watched the video a second time (the better to scoff at it, I told myself), it was then that I noticed the intense, hungry way his eyes followed Pinto’s sexy stride into the room, the way his sweat glistened on his neck and forehead, and the slightly detached way he looked at Frieda for a split moment in the backseat of the car they were shown to be making love in.

I found myself getting into the whole atmosphere the song created: the dim lights, the pub crowd, the sexy beat, Frieda’s uninhibited dancing, and Bruno’s song, the way he sang it, and the way he watched Frieda as he sang…all of it created a little bubble for me right there, and I, to put it simply, got high off it.

The song didn’t seem remarkable when I first heard it, but after playing it on loop for a few times, it began to grow on me, and when I played it again the next morning, I had begun to sing along to it, trying to imitate Bruno’s sexy croon, and the way his voice flowed like a wild river, crashing upon the banks and lifting the listener to a height dangerously close to Nirvana.

Sex, like love, should be passionate, and you should do it when your other half feels the same amount of yearning you do for him/her. Now I don’t know how gorillas ‘make love’, but I’m sure the way their descendants do it isn’t that bad either, and it can turn into a pretty ‘wild’ experience, as highlighted by our Hawaiian Hotshot right here. Oh, Bruno.

The song is potent, you know, and as I listened to it for what seemed the fiftieth time, I found myself seeing flickering images of a certain person in my mind’s eye, all of which involved him, shirtless and looking invitingly into my eyes, as he sat on a plush bed in a room only illuminated by candles and this song playing none-too-softly in the background. I think that was a bit too much detail. Hey, I’m only a horny human.

I cannot fall out of love with Bruno Mars, even though there will always be 5 inches between us (I mean our heights of course.), and it’s his sensual voice which is growing inside me, my love for him which is increasing in volume, and his music, which puts me together at the start, and end of each day.

All that Love

I'd heard about the video before I watched it, and it was with a strange mixture of apprehension and curiosity that I pressed 'Play' for Miley Cyrus' new video 'Wrecking Ball' on YouTube. As Miley's pale face, red mouth and streaming eyes filled the screen, I couldn't help but feel a strange sadness that had nothing to do with any petty issues of my own personal life (and it shouldn't; my exams have just ended!). As the video progressed, and the words I'd never heard before washed over me, I realized what I was feeling sad about; it's love which can push us to the greatest heights of euphoria, and it's love which manages to pull us to the darkest depths of despair!

Love is a masochistic feeling, and every time it makes you feel good, it's actually, slowly and skilfully killing you, taking away bits and pieces that make up your very being, and before you know it, you've given everything up and you are left feeling naked, and you realize that everything that defines you, is at the mercy of someone else. Love, they say, is painful.

What's more, we tend to be blind when we're in love, meaning, when we're in love, we remain woefully ignorant of those people who might Actually care for us, and we continue pursuing someone who might just not give two hoots about us!

Even when we Do come to know about a person nursing tender feelings for us, we feel nothing but a hardhearted sympathy for them, and shrug our shoulders and say, 'Can't help, I don't like him/her!'

Strange, isn't it?

But like Maria Elena said in Vicky Christina Barcelona, 'unfulfilled love is the most romantic.'

Weird is the human brain, cruel is the human heart.

Them Beasts Be Crazy

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. - Woody Allen

She was sitting next to me, checking out the new ring I'd bought, putting it on and admiring it from various angles, when she said, 'Eh...I have hair on my knuckles.'

She did, though it was barely discernible. I showed her my fingers, which were certainly more hairy, but had been finally tamed by regular waxing and shaving.

'See?', I told her, 'I have man hands.'

She laughed.

That's me, I thought, making girls feel better about themselves.

I looked to my right, saw the figure lying sprawled all over his seat, and immediately  seized upon the chance to pass a nasty comment on that particular boy.

'S,' I called, 'you are the ugliest sleeping person I have ever seen.'

He opened an eye lazily and gave me the finger.

S is the most perverted dog I have ever come across. He once took my soft red leather purse when I was not looking and proceeded to squeeze it like it was a particularly sumptuous breast.

When the teacher isn't looking, he grinds his hips like he's dry-humping and makes panting noises, to the delighted amusement of the other animals around him.

He said, once, that if he had to propose to a girl he would go to her with a condom in one hand, and a rakhi (a piece of decorative string tied around the brother's wrist by his sister as a mark of love and protection from evils.) in the other, and tell her to choose.

He lives for porn, and he lives for masturbation, and considers himself something of an expert in HD adult sites.

But at least, I reasoned, he is open about his preferences. Unlike the incredibly quiet guy who sat in a corner of the class and never spoke to anyone, and who ( I found out later) had embellished quite a few desk tops with grotesquely explicit poems written in bold with a black marker, not dissimilar to the ones found on the doors of public bathrooms.

What's worse, I have caught him ogling me for quite some time now, and can't really shake off the feeling that those colourful rhyming couplets were aimed at me.

Ah well, like Jim Morrison said, people are strange.